This is Not Me

S croll away there’s

P robably a video I can watch, an

E asy, quick halal drug I can laugh through

A high-way to laughing like everyone, my pain isn’t real, my pain isn’t pain, my uncried tears aren’t making me melt into stone, my brain isn’t fazed, I am UnFazed on Weeknds, and smiling with MSA on weekdays I am not

K eeping my sanity wrapped up all clean and neat in my bookbag.




My words unsheathe to uncover an underbelly of unwanted answers and quieted questions that nobody asks and I will never answer.

I ask, and I don’t answer.

Am I a little

More hur-


H urdle the question, I can read about _____ or listen to !!! or watch (((((()))))) or taste fudge ice cream, I can do anything but most of all I can ignore

E ach thought that beats my beautiful mental smile into an inner child scared of happiness bullies

A void, then. Avoid the silence, avoid the inner stares from outer people, avoid, avoid, a void,

L istening to the void, the void doesn’t speak back to me, the void is a black hole, the void is


2 am on a Thursday after I finished my distractions  assignments and my friends wanna go out


and I just want to find air so I don’t choke.




I’ve played the façade so well, I believe it now. I’ve lived in the clothes of a happy person for so long I forgot what my old clothes smell like. I need to find my old clothes. But until I find my old clothes, it’s hard to be cold without any clothes at all.


B e stronger, by being kinder with myself. Be smoother around the edges so I don’t hurt myself,

R each into the depths of myself and find the solace only I can give myself, smile for me, have

E nergy that I radiate, not to make others warm, but to warm myself first,

A nswer those questions I wouldn’t answer before,

T each myself that rough days mean that

H elp isn’t bad; vulnerable isn’t bad; mistakes aren’t bad; I can, I can,

E ase into it all. So first of all,



By: Bara Elhag

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