S croll away there’s
P robably a video I can watch, an
E asy, quick halal drug I can laugh through
A high-way to laughing like everyone, my pain isn’t real, my pain isn’t pain, my uncried tears aren’t making me melt into stone, my brain isn’t fazed, I am UnFazed on Weeknds, and smiling with MSA on weekdays I am not
K eeping my sanity wrapped up all clean and neat in my bookbag.
My words unsheathe to uncover an underbelly of unwanted answers and quieted questions that nobody asks and I will never answer.
I ask, and I don’t answer.
Am I a little
H urdle the question, I can read about _____ or listen to !!! or watch (((((()))))) or taste fudge ice cream, I can do anything but most of all I can ignore
E ach thought that beats my beautiful mental smile into an inner child scared of happiness bullies
A void, then. Avoid the silence, avoid the inner stares from outer people, avoid, avoid, a void,
L istening to the void, the void doesn’t speak back to me, the void is a black hole, the void is
2 am on a Thursday after I finished my distractions assignments and my friends wanna go out
and I just want to find air so I don’t choke.
I’ve played the façade so well, I believe it now. I’ve lived in the clothes of a happy person for so long I forgot what my old clothes smell like. I need to find my old clothes. But until I find my old clothes, it’s hard to be cold without any clothes at all.
B e stronger, by being kinder with myself. Be smoother around the edges so I don’t hurt myself,
R each into the depths of myself and find the solace only I can give myself, smile for me, have
E nergy that I radiate, not to make others warm, but to warm myself first,
A nswer those questions I wouldn’t answer before,
T each myself that rough days mean that
H elp isn’t bad; vulnerable isn’t bad; mistakes aren’t bad; I can, I can,
E ase into it all. So first of all,
By: Bara Elhag