9/24/15- I told him it makes me sad how there’s no love with him. It’s robotic. He doesn’t even say ily… all he does is curse at me. He said it’s hard for him to hold his tongue and show emotion, but he promises to say it more. The words “I’m sorry” didn’t slip from his mouth though.
10/10/15- Much hasn’t changed. Doubting if he even loves me. If he doesn’t, everything makes more sense.
11/12/15- I’m really sad. I just want things to work out. But, it doesn’t seem to be mutual. Should I ask my friends for advice? He said he doesn’t like it when I tell people about our problems. Our problems should be personal, he says. I begin to see the logic, but something doesn’t seem right.
12/9/15- The sadness mixes with confusion and anxiety as I hold all my feelings inside. I don’t want him to be angry.. it’s just not worth it, I think.
1/31/16- Things are much better! I’m so happy, he’s changed so much. I knew he had it in him. Alhamdulillah times a billion!
2/6/16- Why is this happening to me? Why me? Why can’t he just treat me right? Calm down. Stop being over dramatic. His words ripple through my mind.
3/10/16- The unthinkable just happened. I wrap my hijab around my face and neck, pulling the material up just enough to cover the bruises on my jaw, and tell myself it’s okay. When I look in the mirror, I see what the rest of the world sees. A covered, Muslim woman. When I hide the bruises, I also hide from the reality screaming within me. But I would know best, that with enough time, anything can be suppressed.
4/23/16- My friend and I are having a heart to heart. I want to tell her so desperately what has happened. I want to explain why I’m the way I am now, so broken, so fragile, so different than my usual self. I’m scared. I begin to utter the words “Please help me” “P-p-p…” I stop. I flash back to the incident. It’s not worth the fight, I think to myself. My friend looks at me curiously.
5/16/16- “Please. Just stop cursing. Please.” He slams on the breaks and looks at me. That look. That look was all that was needed to bring my voice to a halt. That look spreads fear through my entire body, entering my soul and wrapping around it like chains, chains that squeeze so tight, suffocating me. Trapping the hurt and anger inside, ensuring no chance of escape. No chance of freedom.
6/4/16- My friend and I are having another heart to heart. “Hey.. what were you going to say to me that one time? I know something’s going on with you.” “Nothing.”, I respond. “Just know that Allah swt is the best of all healers. And that He is the All-knowing, the All-wise. Talk to him, if you can’t talk to me.” My eyes swell with tears and I look away. She understands me more than he ever has.
7/4/16- It’s been exactly one month since I told her. I told her everything. All the emotions poured out of me. It’s been exactly 2 weeks since I made the decision to end things. Somehow, my tongue won’t utter the words. It’s not because of fear of him anymore, only of fear of what’s to come. If I don’t have him what do I have? Who will care for me? Who will love me? My entire world is twisted upside down.
8/4/16- Today is the day I’m free. Today is the day he has no power over me. Today is the day I know I don’t need anyone other than the divine. And he and my amazing community will love me. He and my amazing community will take care of me.
A young Muslim woman in an abusive relationship. Something that happens. Something that happens often. To all the women who identify with this poem, KNOW that we are here for you. The Muslim community is here for you. Your sisters are here for you. If you don’t have the strength to get out of this, remember that we can give you that strength. And trust me when I say, that He, our creator, has the ability to give you any strength you need. And that He truly will take care of you.