I Love You, I Really Do

I love you

I love you. I really do.
Though sometimes I’m selfish and cruel, don’t forget that I still love you.
I still love you with all of my soul and my heart that is weak with pleasure from seeking you.
I love you, but I don’t know you. I search and search for some type of connection I can find when my knees hit the ground in sujood. I love you, I really do, but I don’t know how to love you.
I don’t know how to connect with you and I don’t know how I can love someone I don’t know.
I love you, I really do.

So, when my actions speak opposite of my words, O Lord, please love me too because my heart is like a fragile crystal glass being shoved in an empty box across a living room.
I love you, I know I do, but I’m waiting for the day that I can truly show you.
Sometimes I don’t feel worthy of all that you do.
Sometimes I gaze at the Quran and choose music over the verses that should be the nourishment for my soul, but I choose music because I don’t know what to do.
It’s not very easy to develop khushoo.
It’s not as easy as those clerical leaders tell you on how to and what not to do.
It’s not simple like black and white, in fact, there are no colors at all.
No colors because each individual picks up the paintbrush of his or her life and paints the colors of this world only guided by the Almighty.

So I sit in this room trying to paint my colors, trying to differentiate between reds and blues, but I can’t.
Ya Allah why can’t I do it?
Why can’t I feel the tremble of my heart and the tears rolling down my cheeks from the beautiful verses that caress my ears?
Why can’t I love you like I’m supposed to?

I love you, I really do, but Ya Allah may you guide me soon and may you make all of our hearts steadfast until the day, the day insh’Allah when “La illah illa Allah” are the last words I say.